


How Did We Come to This?

by LadyCosmos



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Eventual relationship, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:37:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyCosmos/pseuds/LadyCosmos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto has always loved Haru but believes his feelings aren't returned.  Determined not to let that affect their relationship, Makoto has become convinced they are only friends.  When Haru finally realizes his own feelings, it may be too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

When Makoto was eleven, he knew Haru meant more to him than his other friends. 

They could understand each other so easily, could read each other’s thoughts just by looking at the other one.  It was comforting and intimate for Makoto.  To know there was someone who accepted him for who he was and didn’t mind that he was scared of the dark.

He never grew tired of Haru’s presence and it seemed as though Haru tolerated his because there were days when Makoto left for school that he found Haru waiting for him on the stairs.  Whenever Haru was upset or annoyed, Makoto felt a personal responsibility to make everything better.  If he got scared, even with his family nearby, it was always Haru who he turned to for protection.  And Haru’s hand was always there to take his and hold it until they were safe.

Makoto knew Haru meant a lot to him because his smiles always felt the best when Haru was nearby.

When Makoto was twelve, he was sure Haru meant more to him than a friend.  That was the year Rin entered their lives and turned everything around and backwards.

Makoto liked Rin a lot.  He was easier to talk to than Haru and was so full of energy it felt as if it was seeping into Makoto and made him dizzy. He laughed with Makoto instead of staying silent and he always participated in the conversation, making Makoto feel appreciated.  But when Rin was with Haru, Makoto felt something disturbing in his chest.

It was hard to breathe when Haru looked at Rin with eyes blazing in challenge or annoyance.  He felt forgotten when Haru started running just because Rin did.  The way Rin admired Haru’s swimming made Makoto both proud and possessive.

It was strange to not only be aware of the feelings he had for Haru, but to acknowledge them for what they were: a crush.  Makoto had a crush on Haru and was envious of anyone else who got his attention.  Or who sparked feelings in him that Makoto was unable to.

Rin left as quickly as he entered their lives and everything was forever changed.  Nagisa was now a firm member of their small group and Makoto had learned how to accept the water.  Haru was different, too.

A fire had flared to existence in him where only before there had been embers.  Makoto watched as Haru started opening up and began showing emotion when he had always suppressed it before.  And although he wasn’t completely sure, Makoto thought he saw an answering interest in Haru’s eyes when he looked at Makoto.

When Makoto was thirteen, he was sure he liked his best friend.

While most of the boys in their class seemed to suddenly take an interest in girls, Makoto found that he had no interest in them at all.  In fact, the only person Makoto ever found himself drawn to was Haru.  It was Haru’s hand he always reached for when he was scared and Haru’s eyes he always searched for in a crowd.  Haru was the only person he really wanted to spend time with and who actually made him feel wanted and needed.

Although none of this was new to Makoto, what was different was the way his skin tingled when Haru touched him.  Or the way his heart leapt into his throat when he turned and found Haru unabashedly studying him with such intensity it took his breath away.  A new tone crept into their study times and Makoto felt himself blush whenever Haru asked him to stay over for the night.

The way Haru unapologetically lay next to Makoto when they slept released butterflies in his chest.  Or the way Haru’s eyes shined when he did something that made Makoto smile and he felt like the only person in the world.  Makoto’s heart would stop when Haru would stare into his eyes as he helped pull him out of the pool, their hands remaining connected for one breath too long.

Everything was new and thrilling to Makoto and made him feel unsure of himself but at the same time, he felt invincible.

Then, during an afternoon swim practice, Haru had hesitated when taking his hand.

It had barely lasted a second - the way Haru pulled back slightly before their hands touched, the way his eyes widened as he turned his head to the side, refusing to look Makoto in the eye, and accepted the out stretched hand – but Makoto was always hyper-aware of Haru.  No one else would have noticed the difference but for Makoto, it was as if Haru had kicked his legs out from under him.  His confidence shattered as the world took a 120 degree tilt but Makoto pulled Haru out of the pool without breaking his smile.

Unwilling to wait and read Haru’s eyes, Makoto turned and took his place on the starting block, willing his heart to slow down.

The next day, Haru stated he was quitting the club and swimming.  Forcing a soft smile on his face, Makoto had just nodded and accepted Haru’s statement.  He wanted to ask why; wanted to know what could have made Haru want to stop swimming and being in the water.  But he didn’t want to learn it was his fault.  As his mind replayed that half second hesitation over and over again, Makoto just asked if Haru would mind if he kept swimming.

Practice felt strange without Haru.  While Makoto got along well with the other members, it was always Haru who made practice worthwhile.  Determined not to let Haru’s absence affect him so much, Makoto continued to attend practice alone.  He lasted until the end of the month before he quit as well and began walking home with Haru.  It was meaningless without Haru.

When Makoto was fourteen, he tried to pretend he didn’t like Haru.

For half a year, he had even managed to have a girlfriend.  Which he had kept secret from Haru, for some reason.  It was surprisingly easy because Haru never seemed to want to come out of his house.  He would miss days of school and only with Makoto’s notes and help did he pass his classes.

When Makoto finally managed to get Haru to join him at the squid festival, he had simply smiled and chatted aimlessly as they walked around.  He didn’t try to take Haru’s hand or talk to him about quitting the swim club.  Instead, he was content to have Haru next to him again and promised himself that he’d always be there for Haru no matter what.

When Makoto was fifteen, he learned to accept that Haru did not feel the same way he did.

Throughout his teenage years, as their classmates had gone through girlfriend after girlfriend and openly discussed their interests, Makoto had discovered that the only person he had ever been attracted to was Haru.  But Haru hadn’t shown interest in anyone.  He had never mentioned being attracted to someone and Makoto couldn’t remember him showing interest in anything but water.

If Makoto were to be honest with himself, he couldn’t be sure that Haru hadn’t been attracted to him before but it seemed to have been a phase.  For Makoto, his feelings for Haru were not a phase and grew with every year they spent together.  But knowing that Haru would never return those feelings made Makoto scared he would be trapped in an unreciprocated romance for the rest of his life.

When Haru invited him over for a sleep over, Makoto simply lay awake and watched Haru sleep.  His mind chanced every thought in circles, exhausting him but bringing him no closer to sleep.  The only conclusion he could come to after overanalyzing every detail of every memory was that Haru just wasn’t interested in him.  But, in the days after that night, every time Haru’s eyes met his and he could feel Haru reading him, Makoto was always met with doubt.

Could Haru really look at him like that and not feel anything?  Could Haru read him and not know what Makoto felt for him?  Did Haru know and chose not to say anything to make Makoto feel better?

The more Makoto thought about it, the more he despaired and the more useless his affections felt.  And what if he was mistaking his own feelings?  It wasn’t as if his heart speed up every time he saw Haru; he didn’t get the funny feelings in his stomach that girls giggled about or the desires the guys whispered about.  All he knew was that he enjoyed his time with Haru most and missed him a lot when they weren’t together.

So maybe, he thought, he was wrong about liking Haru?

When Makoto was sixteen, he knew he and Haru were nothing but friends.

But as girls continued to confess their feelings, Makoto found he couldn’t accept any of them.  He had a duty to Haru, he believed, and couldn’t leave his friend by himself while he was still depressed.  So Makoto did everything he could for his friend.  Every day he greeted Haru and walked with him to school; sometimes he would bring an extra lunch knowing Haru hadn’t thought to make one.  He would always invite Haru along on family excursions or pull him out of the house on stupid errands.

It became second nature for Makoto to look after Haru just like the twins.  And Haru never said anything about it other than how annoying Makoto was or how much of a busybody he was becoming.  Makoto would just chuckle at his friend’s grumpiness and consider it a victory when Haru came along willingly.

Haru’s depression remained, however.  And while it didn’t get any worse – a fact which Makoto attributed to his busybody habits – it didn’t get any better; at least not for another year.  And when Haru finally broke free of his depression, Makoto knew it had nothing to do with his attention and help. 

Because when Makoto turned seventeen, Rin returned home and everything changed.


	2. Haru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru comes to the realization he loves Makoto and wants to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a playlist for this fic if anyone is interested. The most important song to it would be Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons.
> 
> Thank you to my beta reader, [hajimeiwaizumi](hajimeiwaizumi.tumblr.com). Any existing mistakes are my own.

Haru squinted against the morning light as he lay in bed, slowly waking up. Today felt different than other days. Turning his head to the side, Haru analyzed his room, trying to place what felt different; nothing was out of place. Haru tried to get out of bed but found he didn’t have the motivation. Instead, he continued to lay there, watching as the sunlight slowly moved up his blinds until the entire room was brightly lit with the morning sun.

He felt comfortable. He felt light. There were no invisible weights on his chest and shoulders anymore making every movement painful and exhausting. Breathing was easy and as Haru stretched, he couldn’t help but think his body felt competely new. It was as if he was experiencing everything for the first time.

A small smile graced his lips as he thought about the day before. It had been so long since he had felt like he was a part of something special. With the help of his friends, they had overcome their pasts together and had been able to move forward. All their misunderstandings had seemed so petty and small after everything but, best of all, Haru wasn’t ashamed anymore. He hadn’t hurt Rin; his swimming wasn’t a curse. It wasn’t too late for them all to be friends again.

As he reached toward the ceiling, stretching his arms to their full length, Haru was assualted by a memory of a strong, large hand holding his. The image of Makoto’s hand holding his was so strong that Haru almost believed he could feel that grip on him. The way Makoto’s fingers encircled his hand, the feeling of Makoto pulling him out of the water and staring at him as if he were the only thing in the world. Haru felt dizzy as his mind focused on the way Makoto’s muscles had flexed as he had lifted Haru, the shimmer in those green eyes that made them sparkle.

Haru was glad he had been laying down because his body suddenly felt like jelly and full of feathers. He wanted to laugh but curl up and hide from the world. The feeling was so odd and uncomfortablely new, it made Haru trip as he hurried to the bath.

The water was warm and familiar. It helped Haru release the tension and the new, odd feeling in his chest. Usually, Haru knew he’d be able to rely on the water to help him think and feel better. But today the water wasn’t helping much. Instead, he felt his eyes constantly twitching towards the bathroom door; his heart speeding up every time he thought he heard a noise downstairs. After half an hour of tensely waiting in the bathtub, Haru realized he had been expecting Makoto.

Not only expecting him, Haru _wanted_ Makoto to come walking through the bathroom door, offer his strong, large hand in assistance as Haru exited the tub. Haru stared at the door as he chased down that train of thought.

When had he started wanting Makoto to bother him? When had he become such a regular part of Haru’s life that it was strange when Makoto _wasn’t_ there? Not only that, when was it that Haru had started needing Makoto to be there? The idea of him not being in Haru’s life was completely unthinkable and Haru’s thought skittered around the thought.. Although he hadn’t given much thought to what he would do in the future, he’d never questioned Makoto’s presence in it. But, since his mind seemed determined to analyze his relationship with his best friend, he decided to try.

While Haru loved swimming and being in the water more than anything, he knew that there weren’t many options where he could make a living off that. So maybe art? Or cooking? Why not baking? He didn’t mind making things and he was pretty artistic. So he could be a baker. But then what? Where would he live? Iwatobi probably. And what about a family?

He frowned at the thought. A family meant a wife and kids normally but Haru couldn’t think of any girl he liked and he had never really wanted children. The closest thing to family he had were the Tachibanas and he was quite content with that arrangement. But what if Makoto wanted a family? Well, if Makoto wanted kids Haru wouldn’t say no…

Haru choked on a mouthful of water as he leaned over the side of the tub.

Why had he considered having a family with Makoto? Why did his thoughts so naturally lean towards that idea? And why did he want it the more he thought about it? Did he want really want a family? Or did he just want to make Makoto happy? And why was there no question that it was Makoto he wanted a family with?

He wanted Makoto to remain in his life, providing the support he had for the past few years. During that time, Haru would have given up had Makoto not been there for him to pull and push him along. Makoto, Haru realized, was the only one who was always there even when Haru tried to push him away. Not only that but Haru’s mind began to supply memories of sleepovers and outings together before his depression.

Most of the memories were ordinary but there were a few that stood out and brought a flush of heat to Haru’s face. Memories of Makoto’s fingers lingering on his hand after he pulled Haru out of the pool. Or the way they curled in on each other as they shared a futon during sleep overs. Haru could almost feel the way Makoto’s arms would tigheten around his stomach when he had a nightmare. His mind was a rapid fire session of moments spent with Makoto and it left him dazed and short of breath.

He liked Makoto.

But it was more than that, wasn’t it? Because while he felt safe and comfortable when he was with Makoto, he also felt incredibly protective and possessive of his friend. He didn’t like seeing Makoto around other people; he didn’t like when their time together was interrupted; he wanted to shield Makoto from the world and make sure nothing hurt him, or his smile, ever. Haru wanted to be the one to make Makoto smile and be the one Makoto would turn to when he was scared and needed protection. He wanted to be able to hold that hand whenever he wanted and not just when Makoto offered it.

Trembling, Haru pulled himself out of the bathtub and stood shivering on the tile as he tried to reach for his towel. He knew that he would never find someone like Makoto even if he tried; there was no one better than Makoto. He was easy to be around, really understood him, and had always been there. Haru wanted to be with Makoto for the rest of his life.

Haru loved Makoto.

The truth hit him so hard, Haru had to sit down for a moment. It wasn’t surprising; Haru had always felt an attraction towards Makoto but the strength of the feeling exploded tenfold when he actually thought about it. A goofy smile stayed plastered on his face as he got ready for the day.

He was in love with Makoto and they were swimming together again, with everyone, and Rin was back and everything was just good. Haru felt better than he had in years and, incredibly, he felt anxious to see Makoto and move their relationship forward.

Rushing down the shrine steps, Haru felt truly happy. It felt as if his life had started again and he could enjoy it once more.

++

Haru had never reached Makoto’s house as quickly as he did that morning. Standing on the stairs, he paused to catch his breath before knocking on the door. His heart thudded loudly, in time with each knock, and his breath caught in his throat. Would Makoto be able to read through him? Would he notice the changes? Would he say anything or just smile and pull Haru to him? How would it feel to see Makoto now? After realizing he was in love? Would it be awkward or easy like normal?

The door cracked open and Haru forgot how to think.

“Haruka-kun.” Mrs. Tachibana smiled and waved him in. “I didn’t know Makoto was expecting you today. I think he’s still in bed.”

Haru thanked her quietly and removed his shoes as he entered the house. His disappointment at not being greeted by Makoto quickly turned to ebarrassment as he thought about waking up a mussed haired Makoto, watching those green eyes blink awake and being the first thinkg Makoto saw that morning. Carefully making his way up the stairs, Haru paused outside of Makoto’s room to gather his courage.

The door opened on quiet hinges as he made his way inside. Tiptoeing over to the bed, Haru took a moment to appreciate the way Makoto slept. His large body was sprawled across the mattress, hair laying messily around him on the pillow, and one hand gently curled near his face. Cautiously, Haru reached out and brushed the hair away from Makoto’s face, smiling as his friend sighed and moved in to the touch. His heart swelled with affection as he moved to shake Makoto’s shoulder, eyes trained on Makoto’s as he shook him awake.

“Makoto.” Haru whispered. Makoto’s face scrunched up cutely as he whined and pulled away from Haru. “Makoto, wake up.”

After another minute of shaking and calling to his friend, Haru finally managed to wake him. Just as he imagined, Makoto’s eyes focused on him in their sleep induced haze and Haru watched as he struggled to wake up. It was endearing just how hard it was to wake Makoto up and the thought of possibly watching it the rest of his life made Haru blush and turn away.

“Haru?” Makoto’s voice was thick with sleep which only made Haru’s blush deepen.

“Get up. You’re sleeping too much.” Haru groused as he pushed off the bed and began rummaging through Makoto’s clothes. He could hear the smile in Makoto’s voice as he agreed. Taking a deep breath, Haru turned back around and shoved the clothes he picked into Makoto’s hands. “Hurry up.”

++

It took a lot of patience and prodding to get Makoto going that morning. By the time they finally made it downstairs, it was close to noon and Haru’s stomch was grumbling. Looking over his shoulder, Makoto smiled fondly and headed for the kitchen.

“Didn’t eat this morning, did you?” He was already searching in the fridge for mackerel as Haru entered the kitchen.

“It’s not my fault you take forever to wake up.” He grumbled as he pulled out plates and glasses. It felt easy and familiar to work side by side with Makoto. Letting his mind wonder, Haru couldn’t help the pleased feeling he got when imagining them always working together like this. He smiled softly.

“Haru’s in a good mood today.” Startled, Haru jerked his head around to stare at Makoto. He blushed furiously but couldn’t look away at the soft, happy look on Makoto’s face. “I’m glad. It’s been a long time since you’ve looked this happy.”

His heart fluttered wildly in his chest and Haru’s fingers itched to touch and feel Makoto. Shaking, Haru turned quickly to fiddle with the utensil drawer, taking more time than necessary to pull out chopsticks.

“Yeah…I guess.” He mumbled, keeping his back to Makoto. He could hear Makoto’s tender chuckle as he continued to prep their food.

“It’s nice to have Rin back, isn’t it? It sort of feels like nothing changed.”

Wonderously, Haru watched Makoto move about the kitchen as he chatted. He was right that it was nice to have Rin back and to have sorted everything out but everything was far from not changing. In the course of a few hours, Haru felt as if he’d been lifted out of a pressing darkness and found Makoto - bright, loyal Makoto - on the other end. Realizing your loved your best friend was definitely a change. Working his jaw, Haru fought to find the words to express himself.

“I’m glad Rin’s back, too. But he’s not…I’m not…you…” He paused, frustrated with his ability to speak. “That’s not the only reason I’m happy.”

Haru peeked a glance at Makoto, smiling at the dorky surprised expression on his face, as if Haru had told him something unbelievable. He wasn’t sure if his words had expressed what he wanted to say, but Makoto seemed to understand. They smiled at each other before returning to their meal. The gentle warmth spreading across Haru’s body put him at ease and he spent the rest of the day stoking that feeling by staying near Makoto.

++

Changing an established friendship to something more was completely out of Haru’s area of expertise. In fact, most sociable activities were. But something told Haru that Makoto would always wait for him and make sure he was comfortable. So with that in mind, Haru set out to show Makoto he was ready for something more.

Small steps would work best. Not only would it give Makoto some idea of Haru’s intentions but it would also give Haru ample time to figure out what he was doing. While he wanted to throw himself on Makoto and kiss him until they both couldn’t breathe, Haru knew he’d royally mess it up. Best to start with something he was good at, like cooking.

The first time Haru made a lunch for Makoto, he had been too embarrassed to tell him. Instead, he carried it around in his backpack the entire day and threw it out once he got home. The second time, he had told Makoto he made too much curry the night before and wanted to share some with him. It was easier to lie and pretend he was using Makoto to get rid of food rather than to actually say he wanted to make Makoto lunch. Fortunately, Makoto had agreed easily and, puffed up with happiness, Haru had watched him eat the lunch he made.

After a few weeks of cooking for Makoto, Haru felt he needed to do more. Makoto had started accepting the idea that Haru was going to make lunches for him but nothing else had changed. Their walks to and from school were still the same. Although Haru’s stomach jumped every time Makoto pulled him out of the water, there were no lingering touches or looks of appreciation. What Haru wanted was more time alone with Makoto. Time where they could talk and look and touch without being interrupted.

With their teachers starting to make noise about upcoming exams, Haru figured he had the best excuse to have Makoto over often. Not only did they truly need to study, but Haru’s house was sibling free and a better environment for hours of cramming. Although Makoto had been over many times before, Haru felt extremely nervous when he invited his friend over that afternoon.

“It would be easier to study.” Haru had persuaded as they walked home after practice. “And I can make something other than mackerel. If you want.”

“Haru’s offering to eat something other than mackerel? It must really be important, then.” Makoto had laughed as he agreed to study at Haru’s.

The sun was already set when they decided to take a break. Haru had been too nervous to say or do anything all afternoon. His palms would get clammy and his heart would skip a beat or two when he thought about reaching over to take Makoto’s hand. Instead, he had waited until he offered Makoto food and then had casually let his fingers graze against his friend’s hand. Even that small gesture had sent fire up his neck and across his face.

“It’s pretty late. I should probably head home soon.” Makoto mused as he sipped his tea. Fiddling with his cup, Haru stared out the window as he tried to think of a way to detain his friend.

“You can stay here if you need to.” He spoke slowly, wishing the right words would come to him. _Stay the night with me. Stay with me. I want to be with you longer, please don’t me leave yet_. They were all right there on his tongue but refused to be spoken.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the look of surprise on Makoto’s face. He felt pulled by conflicting emotions; elated at the bright smile gracing Makoto’s lips and grieved that he would be surprised by the suggestion of staying over. Had Haru come off as that unapproachable?

“You haven’t invited me to sleep over in years.” Haru was pretty sure he wasn’t meant to hear Makoto so pretended he didn’t. Instead, he cleaned up after their snack and quickly headed for the kitchen. His heart wouldn’t stop pounding and he felt like hiding. After a few deep breaths, he walked back into the living room only to find Makoto packing.

“Leaving?” He asked quietly, heart dropping where he stood.

“Yeah, sorry.” Makoto smiled without looking at Haru. “I didn’t tell my parents I was coming over and I’m pretty sure they’d be upset if I didn’t come home. But maybe another time?”

The question sounded so genuine and hopeful that Haru couldn’t stop the small smile he gave Makoto.

“Definitely.”

It was another month before Haru worked up the courage to invite Makoto to stay over. This time, he gave ample warning and made sure he still had an extra futon his friend could use. Makoto was practically bouncing by the time they arrived at Haru’s, his excitement was contagious.

Haru couldn’t remember a night he’d been happier. After a few hours of studying and goofing off, they had finally settled down for bed. Makoto snuggled down beneath the blankets of the futon and smiled sleepily at Haru. Gazing down at his friend, Haru felt a strong surge of affection towards him and smiled back. Not the soft, small smiles he’d become more comfortable sharing with his friends but a deep, genuine smile.

“Haru.” Makoto’s voice was thick with sleep making him difficult to understand. “I’m glad you’re back.”

As Makoto’s breathing evened out and he slowly relaxed into a deep sleep, Haru stayed awake and watched. He traced Makoto’s face, taking in every detail he could see by the moonlight. He counted the space between his breaths and watched Makoto’s fingers twitched before slowly curling in. It had been years since he had really looked at his friend. Makoto had grown so much in the past four years Haru didn’t know where to start.

It felt like days had passed before Haru’s eyelids started to drop and fatigue pressed down on him. Still, he didn’t feel as if he had gotten a good look at Makoto. Surely there was something he had missed. The way his soft, brown hair fanned out over the pillow in desperate need of a haircut. The way his eyes twitched as he dreamt. The rise and fall of his large chest that only made Haru want to lay his head on top of it.

When he woke the next morning, Haru hadn’t felt as rested in years.

++

Their relationship was progressing too slowly. After the first invite, Haru found it easier to ask Makoto over and frequently did; a part of him still flipped happily every time Makoto said yes. It had become addicting to watch Makoto as he slept and Haru wanted more.

On their walks to and from school, Haru casually let his arm brush Makoto’s as they walked. Every time he touched Makoto’s hand, a shock resonated throughout his body and left him feeling giddy. He had always received a smile when it happened which emboldened Haru to do more.

At lunch, he would steal bits of Makoto’s lunch and replace them with some of his own. Makoto had complained about Haru stealing his food but eventually gave up with a huff when his only answer was a blank stare.

The lack of response from his friend was agonizing and worrying. While Makoto still offered his gentle smiles and a strong hand after every practice, Haru didn’t feel any difference from his actions. He still felt the caring, gentle nature that Makoto always gave him but Haru could feel no other intent. And then, one day on their way to school, something shifted.

Makoto walked an extra step away from Haru. When Haru would lean or sway closer to him, Makoto would move with him, always keeping the distance between them. At lunch, they were separated by their teammates and Haru could hardly ever catch Makoto’s eyes. Other people wouldn’t notice any change between the two friends but to Haru, who had always spoken with and understood actions rather than words, it felt as though Makoto were screaming at him.

_Don’t touch me_ the increases in the distance said.

_Don’t get so close to me_ was whispered when Makoto chose to sit far away from him.

_Don’t talk to me_ slapped Haru in the face every time Makoto turned away from him.

Confused and suddenly unsure of himself, Haru glared at his homework while Makoto sat across from him. No matter how hard he tried to focus, the problems swam before his eyes in a huge mess that made his head hurt. Clenching his jaw in irritation, Haru tried to catch a glance of Makoto through his hair. Studying was made worse by the fact that Makoto would tense up every time Haru asked him something. It made Haru want to scream.

Finally at the point where he couldn’t take it anymore, Haru pushed himself away from the table and stared pointedly at Makoto. At the same moment, Makoto also seemed to have reached his limit and carefully put his pencil down and looked up at Haru. Their eyes met for the first time in weeks and Haru’s breath was taken away. He had forgotten how green Makoto’s eyes were; how they melted from bright emerald to a deep hunter green depending on his mood.

“Haru,” the way Makoto said his name made his stomach turn uncomfortably. “What’s going on?”

“I…” Haru paused to think about what he wanted to say. It was more than just _I think I like you_ or _I appreciate you being with me_. Haru needed to tell Makoto everything. How it was always Makoto who stood by him and supported him. That it was only Makoto who stayed with him when he was at his worst. Whenever he thought about the future, Makoto was always there and he didn’t want to imagine a world without him. But his tongue felt heavy and bloated in his mouth and all Haru could think about was how Makoto was pulling away from him. How he was experiencing his worst nightmare.

Not saying anything would make it worse, however. So even if his words weren’t the best, even if he couldn’t put what he felt into terms Makoto could understand, Haru had to try.

“I like Makoto.” The words felt heavy. It shouldn’t be so difficult to tell someone how you feel, especially Makoto. Haru thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to confess his feelings but now that he had, he felt awkward and clumsy. His fingers twisted in his pants as he forced himself to continue. “You’ve always been there for me even when I called you annoying. You never let me fall. I can’t…I don’t want…it’s more than meaningless without Makoto. Without Makoto, I can’t do anything.”

The silence was deafening. It dragged on for an eternity; the clock on the wall ticking the time away. Haru wanted to scream, to beg Makoto to say something, to do something and not just sit there with that look of shock. He wanted to move; wanted the tension that was so thick it hurt him to disappear and everything to go back to normal.

He wanted Makoto to say he loved Haru, too.

“Haru,” Makoto said his name with such sorrow it knocked the breath out of him, “I’m sorry. I don’t feel the same.”

Haru felt his world shrink. His vision tunneled until all he could see was Makoto gazing at him regretfully. His skin felt tight and itchy and drawing a breath was a labor. His fingers clutched his clothing so tight, Haru was sure they ripped.

“I think you’re confused, Haru.” Makoto continued, seemingly intent on sparing none of Haru’s feelings. “We’re just friends. Maybe at one point I thought I liked you but I was wrong. You’re my best friend, Haru, and I’d do anything for you. You mean a lot to me but not like that.”

Slowly, carefully, Haru took a deep breath and released it. The world became fuzzy as his heart stopped, his hands turning to ice. He opened his mouth to protest, to argue and make Makoto see that he was wrong. How could Makoto not understand Haru’s feelings? Couldn’t they read each other easily? Didn’t Makoto always know what Haru was thinking?

“No…” was all he managed to force out. His mouth felt like cotton, his throat was painfully constricting. “That’s not true.”

Makoto sighed and wearily rubbed his eyes. The action was painfully demoralizing and scared Haru. “Haru, you’re just confused about your feelings. A lot has happened lately. You’re just overwhelmed.”

“Shut up!” Haru snapped, slamming his hands on the table. His empty glass shook and fell over, rolling off the edge and onto the floor. Neither boy moved to pick it up. Makoto gaped in shock at the sudden display of anger. Haru trembled as he glared, locked on Makoto’s stare. “Don’t tell me what I feel. Don’t sit there and pretend to know everything about me. If you knew everything about me you‘d know there’s only Makoto.”

Makoto seemed to pull in on himself, away from Haru. His arms crossed defensively over his chest as he leaned away from the table. To Haru, it felt like a knife to the heart.

“I’m glad I can be there for you, but you’re wrong. I’ll always be there to help you no matter what; you can do anything you want. But in the end, I’m not the one who changed Haru. You’re just confused.” He kept saying that: Haru was confused. But Haru had never felt more sure of himself. Why did Makoto refuse to acknoweldge him that way?

“I’m not confused.” Haru spoke softly, leaning across the table, eyes desparately seeking Makoto’s to make him understand. “Look at me. Makoto!”

Instead, Makoto turned his head away and rose to his feet. The tatami mats crackled underneath Makoto’s shifting feet, the sound like firecrackers to Haru. Desperation rose to choke Haru as he felt Makoto getting further from him. Distressed, Haru raced around the table, accidetally kicking the glass on the floor and shattering it against the wall as he slid to a stop in front of Makoto.

Without thinking, Haru reached out for his friend’s hand knowing he just need to stop Makoto; to not let him walk away because if he did, Haru didn’t know if he could recover. But when Makoto pulled back slightly, flinching as if he had been burned by Haru’s touch, his entire world shattered.

They remained frozen as their eyes met, Makoto’s dark with despair and Haru’s bright with pain. In that moment, Haru could read Makoto completely. He could see the self-hate Makoto felt for hurting him; he read the sorrow Makoto held deep inside; he saw the panic appear as realization dawned on Makoto.

All at once, it became too much for Haru. The house was too small, the walls closing in on him and the floor was breaking away beneath his feet. The support Makoto usually offered was withdrawn and Haru felt lost and alone. Haru was losing Makoto, just as he'd lost everyone else.

Scared, Haru turned and bolted for his door.

“Haru!” Makoto cried out, voice breaking on the last syllable. Haru didn’t stop.

Shoving his feet into his shoes, he bolted out the door, not caring if he forgot his keys or his phone. He needed to get out. He needed to run away, far away, before reality caught up with him and pulled him back under. He needed to get away from Makoto before he lost everything.

Gasping for breath, Haru raced down the shrine steps, trying to outrun the pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part will probably take a while to be out. I'm having difficulty grasping where it needs to go and have a lot of personal stuff going on right now. I'll try my best to get it done in the next month but I can't promise anything.
> 
> Please leave feedback! I'd love to hear what you think.


	3. Makoto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Haru's confession, Makoto thinks everything will go back to normal but is shaken when he realizes everything is getting worse.

Haru had been missing for two days. During that time, Makoto had gone out of his way to avoid their friends so he wouldn’t have to explain Haru’s absence. It would have been easy to lie and say Haru wasn’t feeling well – and quite possibly the truth – but Makoto felt that he’d done enough harm to the people he cared about.

The night Haru confessed had been the worst night of his life.

After Haru fled, Makoto had been torn between staying to make sure Haru was safe and leaving because Makoto was fairly certain he would be the last person Haru wanted to see. After what felt like an eternity, Makoto decided to go home and check on Haru in the morning. They both needed time to sort through things and straighten out their feelings.

But Makoto wasn’t able to sleep. Every few minutes, he sat up in bed to stare out the window and check to see if Haru’s lights were on. He needed to know that Haru had come back home; that he hadn’t ruined everything between them and Haru was safe. Each time he looked, however, and Haru’s windows remained dark, his stomach churned. By the time morning arrived, Makoto felt as though he’d been dragged across shattered glass.

His head hurt fiercely and he wasn’t able to eat more than a bite of toast for breakfast. Somehow, he managed to keep a smile on his face for his family and cheerfully wish them goodbye before hurrying to Haru’s house.

He didn’t bother knocking on the front door, instead going straight for the back. Even if Haru was home, Makoto knew he wouldn’t be greeting him this morning. But he hoped that Haru would at least look at him. Or acknowledge he was there. Or just…be there. Makoto didn’t want to admit how much he just needed Haru to be at home.

When Haru wasn’t in the kitchen or still in bed, the first traces of panic started to wind its way up Makoto’s spine. When the bath was not only empty but completely dry, something deep and hidden cracked inside him. Staring at the empty room, Makoto was hollow. All the emotions, all the thoughts, all the nightmares he had held over the course of the night drained out of him and left him empty and adrift.

Numb, Makoto somehow made his way out of Haru’s bathroom and house. Instinctively he headed towards school and into his seat before the bell rang.

By the end of the week, Nagisa had tracked him down and cornered him during one of their breaks. Makoto knew he wouldn’t be able to hide from their friends forever but he had hoped Haru might return before then. Makoto mentally flinched when he looked into Nagisa’s eyes and realized how much of a coward he was.

“Mako-chan! Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you all week but never saw you or Haru-chan.” The space between them decreased little by little until Nagia was grasping Makoto’s jacket. Makoto strained to keep his smile natural and light but felt the pressure growing each second. “Where’s Haru-chan?”

Makoto’s stomach tumbled nervously. It seemed a little ridiculous; being upset over telling Nagisa Haru wasn’t at school. But if Makoto knew Nagisa like he thought, he was sure the issue wouldn’t rest there. Nagisa would see it as his duty to chase after Haru and make sure he was okay. And that was a situation Makoto didn’t want.

“Ah…Haru hasn’t been feeling well.” So he lied. “You know how sensitive he is to the cold.”

Nagisa appeared to consider this as the bell rang, calling the students back to class. Chattering students surrounded them on their way back to their respective classrooms. Makoto wanted to lose himself in the crowd; to disappear until everything was right again. Turning to head back upstairs, Makoto realized Nagisa hadn’t let go of his jacket yet. Tensing, he turned and found Nagisa watching him carefully.

“Mako-chan,” he murmured quietly, “is everything okay?”

Ice shot through Makoto’s body as he fumbled for something to say. Shaking himself loose from Nagisa’s grip, he offered a vague apology and quickly left his friend behind. For the rest of the day, Makoto felt extremely vulnerable; as if everyone could see through him and expose all the lies and pain he held within. Never before had he been so anxious for the last bell to ring.

Another week passed with no sign of Haru. With each passing day, with visit to Haru’s house in the hopes of finding him in the bath or making mackerel, Makoto felt his heart grow heavier. The guilt he felt from hurting Haru turned to fear as he received no word from his friend.

Where was Haru? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Why hadn’t he said something to someone? Why did he have to run away and hide? Did he think Makoto hated him? Did he still want to be friends?

Anxious and guilt-ridden, Makoto opened Haru’s door and quietly let himself in as he had for the past two weeks.  The expectation of seeing Haru had worn down to the need to see some sign that Haru had been home. Dirty dishes in the sink; a fully stocked fridge; a rumbled bed; water in the bathtub. Anything that showed that Haru was alive was all Makoto hoped for now. So when he walked inside and smelled mackerel cooking while hearing dishes clink and clank in the kitchen, Makoto thought he was hallucinating.

“Haru!” He cried, barely remembering to remove his shoes before running through the house. Heart pounding, Makoto stood in the doorway to the kitchen and watched as Haru grilled two pieces of mackerel. The toast popped up beside him but he barely noticed as he took in the sight of his friend.

Carefully, Haru removed the fish from the grill and arranged it on two plates, adding the toast as he moved to the living room. He passed Makoto without as much as a word or glance. Only after setting the plates on the table did Haru turn his attention to Makoto. He looked thinner, tired, but unharmed which made Makoto’s heart feel ten times lighter. Makoto resisted the urge to reach out and touch Haru – to make sure he was all right and just _touch him_.

“Haru…are you okay? I was really worried about you. You were gone for so long and no one heard from you.” Makoto bit his lip when Haru’s eyes flicked his way. He was rambling and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop the flood of words even if he wanted to. “Where did you go? Why didn’t you say anything? I kept coming here, hoping you’d be home one day. I-“

_I missed you._

_I’m sorry._

They were right there, ready to be said but Makoto’s tongue felt thick and his mouth went dry. Did he have the right to say that? Instead, Haru sighed and turned a bored gaze towards him. Makoto held his breath.

“I’m sorry for making you worry.” If Makoto hadn’t seen Haru’s lips move, he almost wouldn’t have known he said anything.

Instead, it felt as if his life clicked back in to place and everything was where he left it. A voice in the back of his mind screamed at him that something was wrong; something wasn’t right and he needed to find out what it was. But the sweet feeling of relief was too enticing and the temptation to simply forget what had happened between them too strong. So with a contented hum, Makoto lowered himself to the floor and picked up his chopsticks. His appetite awoke with a ferocious groan and, embarrassed, he picked at the food before him.

“Thanks for the food!” Makoto was so engrossed with his meal, he missed the tremble in Haru’s hand as he picked up his chopsticks.

++

For Makoto, life was now better than normal.

After Haru returned home, the pressure on Makoto lifted and left him feeling light. Not only was Haru safe but he was becoming more of an active participant in his own life. No longer did Makoto have to drag him out of the bathtub every morning and force him to school. Most days, Makoto found he was the one being waited on with Haru sitting patiently on the steps outside of his house. Although he told Haru it was more than okay to come inside and get him, his friend seemed adamant on staying outside.

Shrugging it off as another one of Haru’s oddities, Makoto left the subject alone.

Their walks to school remained as one-sided as ever. Makoto talked about everything he could think of, catching Haru up on what the twins were doing and what had happened at school. He rarely got more than a nod or sound of interest in reply which was enough. But there was a physical distance between them now that Makoto was sure hadn’t existed before.

While Makoto pushed back the worry that maybe, just maybe, something had changed between him and Haru, he took delight in watching his friend grow closer to their teammates and Rin.

It was rare to see Haru initiate any contact or conversation with people so watching as he actively took an interest in helping Rei perfect his swimming technique or pushing Rin to perform better put Makoto at ease. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since Haru took such an active interest in other people. But the fact that Haru was trying meant he was better; Haru was able to be Haru again and not be stuck in some nightmare where Makoto couldn’t reach him.

Maybe it had taken more than Makoto’s friendship; maybe it had taken more than what Makoto could give to bring Haru back and make him whole. But, if he had been even a little help to Haru, if he was able to provide support and comfort through those difficult times, Makoto could be content. He pushed the little voice away that cried to be something more; that nagging sensation of wanting to mean more and tried to focus on practice.

For a while, the voice quieted and left him alone. He felt relieved and ashamed. Thoughts and feelings he had put aside years ago should stay buried.

++

The New Year snuck up on Makoto unexpectedly. He and Haru had been so focused on exams that neither had thought to make plans for the holiday. So it happened that the night before the New Year found Haru at the Tachibanas’ playing video games late into the night.

“Haru! Don’t you think you should try a different character this time?”

Haru didn’t bother pausing and quickly ran through the character selection screen. Makoto made a fuss every time they played, bothered by Haru’s insistence on using the thief every game. It wasn’t that he really cared but sometimes, he thought, it would be nice to try different combinations. With a sigh of resignation, Makoto stood to clear their snacks away during the opening sequence. Upon entering the kitchen, he let out a startled cry when he saw the time.

“It’s that late already?” Putting all the snacks away quietly, Makoto called over his shoulder, “Haru, it’s pretty late. We should probably call it a night.”

There was the sound of the game console shutting down and then the padding of feet down the hallway. Confused, Makoto headed for the front door to find Haru putting on his jacket and shoes.

“What’re you doing?” he asked as an uneasy feeling crept up his stomach.

“Going home.” Came Haru’s curt reply as he put the borrowed house shoes away. Makoto wanted to reach out and grab Haru but the two feet of space between them suddenly became a chasm which Makoto couldn’t cross. Shifting uncomfortably on his feet, Makoto grabbed his left arm awkwardly.

“But it’s really late. You should just stay here.” _Like always_ hung in the air between them. For a second, Haru paused and twisted towards Makoto. But the moment passed and Haru continued buttoning his jacket.

“It’s fine. I don’t live that far away and I have to take care of something.” It was a lie and both boys knew it. A strange tension thickened the air around Makoto and made him uncomfortable.

“Ah…yeah, then…if you have something important…I understand.   Maybe…maybe next time.” His smile felt wrong as he watched Haru walk out the door. Feeling oddly detached, Makoto finished cleaning up from their afternoon together and headed to his room. Without bothering to take a bath, he lay on his bed and stared out his window, wondering if something was going wrong.

++

“First years! Line up for time trials!” Makoto watched idly as Nagisa and Rei went to join the Samezuka first years at the far end of the pool. It had been difficult to concentrate and after missing his start for the third time, Makoto knew he wouldn’t make any progress that afternoon.

After a quick consultation with Gou, Makoto headed to the blocks to practice his breaststroke. It was strange to practice something that wasn’t the backstroke but he found that the unfamiliarity of the stroke forced his mind to focus and stop wondering. It was a relief to have the thoughts that had been haunting him all week be pushed aside and quieted. It felt good to push himself and let his mind just not think.

Pausing after his set, Makoto turned and watched the other swimmers for a moment as his breathing slowed down. Gou knelt down and provided his time.

“It’s a good time for a stroke you don’t use anymore.” Gou stated as she made some marks on her clipboard. “I think it’s time we switch up everyone’s regime again. There hasn’t been a lot of improvement lately and we won’t be ready for spring training at this rate!”

Climbing out of the pool, Makoto grabbed a towel and followed Gou to continue discussing a new training plan. Bent over her shoulder to see her plan, Makoto’s attention was drawn to the pool inexplicably. Glancing up, he watched as Haru took the starting block. Unconsciously, his eyes traveled over Haru’s bowed body; the way his fingers and toes grabbed the edge of the block; the way his legs tensed in anticipation of the jump; the way his back flexed when he shifted. Makoto didn’t realize he was holding his breath until the whistle blew and the swimmers reacted.

Watching Haru swim was always breathtaking. It really did seem that he became one with the water. But this time, his technique was much smoother; more fluid like the water he loved. It made Makoto’s breath catch.

 _He’s always been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen_ , Makoto thought wondrously.   For a moment, his mind went blank as he realized what he had thought.

He’d always called Haru’s swimming beautiful but Haru himself? Did he really believe Haru was beautiful? Or was the real question, had he ever stopped believing that.

Shaken, Makoto forced the thought out of his mind. He wouldn’t allow himself to be confused this time. Haru was finally back to himself; the last thing Makoto should be doing was confusing his feelings for his friend again.

As Haru made his last turn, Makoto excused himself from Gou and started walking towards his lane. As he padded across the wet tiles, Makoto was suddenly struck with the realization that it had been a very long time since he had offered Haru his hand. Since he no longer took baths in the morning, Makoto was never there to pull him out. Joint practice was only a couple of times a month but even so, Haru had always been out of the pool whenever Makoto finished his workout. Not only that, but if Makoto truly thought about it, a lot of the things he considered solid foundations of his and Haru’s friendship had been missing.

They no longer shared or made lunches for each other. Haru no longer stayed over, even when they played video games late into the night. Their walks to and from school had become increasing tense and quiet; a fair distance always between them whenever they walked. And Haru had started to pay attention in class making it unnecessary for Makoto to share his notes.

Stung by the idea that they were growing further apart, Makoto paused in mid-step and watched Haru finish his lap. He could hear a few Samezuka members congratulate Haru on his time and technique, asking for advice. Normally, he would simply say you needed to feel the water and be done with it but today, Haru honestly seemed interested in helping others.

A horrible feeling of jealousy coiled in Makoto’s stomach as he watched. He was glad Haru was opening up to others; nothing made him happier than seeing Haru happy. But some small part of him wanted to keep all of that to himself. He didn’t want others to see how special Haru was; to see the parts of him only Makoto ever saw. The strength of the emotion was disturbing. It made Makoto sick.

Before he could force himself to move, Rin appeared out of nowhere and started speaking to Haru. Makoto couldn’t hear what he was saying but he could only guess they were taunting each other again. He could almost hear the argument in his head.

_“You call that a personal best? I can beat that in my sleep.”_

_“I beat your time by a second.”_

_“Like hell you did! Fine. I’ll show you how much I’ve improved.”_

_“Don’t hold back, Rin.”_

The thought made his stomach settle and a small smile lift his lips. At least some things never changed.

Rin offered his hand to Haru who took it without hesitation. As he was pulled out of the water, Makoto lifted his hand to wave and catch their attention, his smile broadening at the prospect of partaking in their jabs. But when Haru’s eyes flicked towards him, the soft greeting he usually saw was replaced with fear and shame. Turning his head to the side, Haru hid his face from Makoto.

Ice shot down Makoto’s spine. His legs wouldn’t move; it felt as if his feet had frozen to the floor. Swallowing thickly, Makoto’s fingers curled in as his arm lowered to his side. He was lost. This wasn’t swim practice and that wasn’t Haruka. He was dreaming; a nightmare from when he was twelve and Haru refused his hand.

Remembering to breathe, Makoto fought to keep his breaths slow and even   He relaxed his shoulders and lifted his chin, trying to get control over the adrenaline rushing through his body.

Just when he thought he had control over himself, Rin turned towards him. It only took a moment for Rin’s glare to find him. Gripping Haru’s arm, Rin snarled as he pulled him away from Makoto his free hand motioning freely as he yelled.

Suddenly weak, Makoto stumbled to the bench and bent over his knees. It was hard to take a full breath; his heart was beating so rapidly he thought he would pass out.

He needed to leave. He needed to get away. If he had to see Haru – or Rin – after this…

Standing on shaky legs, Makoto headed to the showers. He spotted Gou on his way and let her know he suddenly wasn’t feeling well and was heading home. He’d text her later to let her know he was okay. Reluctantly, she agreed, following his movements with worried eyes. Makoto wave her off with a bright smile and disappeared into the locker room.

Under the cold spray of the shower, his mind wandered.

Repeatedly, his mind replayed Haru’s expression. The way his eyes widened and pupils contracted. Even from that distance, Makoto was still aware of Haru’s every expression and glance. What had made Haru look like that? Had it been Makoto? Was he the reason Haru was ashamed?   But why? After Haru has returned home, everything had been fine, hadn’t it?

Biting back a sob, Makoto’s clenched fists banged against the shower wall. What had he done wrong?

The sounds of people passing the locker room broke Makoto from his reverie. Quickly finishing his shower, he dressed and headed out the door, making sure none of his friends spotted him.

On the train, Makoto let his mind go blank. He felt better when he wasn’t thinking and just let the sounds of the conversations around him fill his mind. It was almost blissful to not think; to let the crowd move him and stop paying attention to everything. But he still felt exhausted and mentally worn out by the time he got home.

It was peaceful in his house, for once. Makoto lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours. He couldn’t work up the energy to care about his schoolwork or even going downstairs for dinner. Instead, he watched the sunlight slide across his room as the sun set, covering everything in darkness. His phone buzzed incessantly all afternoon. Shivering, Makoto rolled over and buried himself beneath his blanket.

Was Haru ashamed of what he said to Makoto? Had he realized he didn’t mean it and now regretted telling Makoto? What did Haru want from him? What had he done wrong?

He felt stretched thin, as if he was being pulled in multiple directions with no relief. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal; for Haru to be happy; for everyone to be friends again; for his feelings for Haru to go away.

Finally, after hours of agonizing thoughts and memories, Makoto fell into a restless sleep.

++

“Ah, good morning, Haru.” Makoto greeted softly as he stepped out the door. Haru stood on the steps, staring towards the water. With barely a nod of greeting, he continued down the stairs as if he had just paused to admire the scenery and wasn’t waiting for his friend. Silently, Makoto fell in behind Haru and followed him to school.

Their morning walks were usually filled with Makoto filling Haru in on the twin’s nightly antics and making vague plans for the afternoon. Today, a tense silence hung between the two as Makoto walked quietly beside his friend. Filing into the schoolyard with the rest of the school, they were greeted by an enthusiastic Nagisa with Rei being dragged behind him. Makoto smiled gently hoping to mask the exhaustion he still felt.

“Mako-chan missed all the fun yesterday! Rei-chan tried to correct Rin-chan on the proper angle of his dive and Rin-chan pushed him into the pool!” Nagisa chattered as they entered the building. “But Rei-chan was too quick! With the reflexes of a cat, he reached out and grabbed Rin-chan’s arm and pulled him in too!”

“Nagisa-kun, please don’t tell embarrassing stories.” Rei admonished from his shoe locker. With a forced laugh, Makoto followed the two underclassmen to the stairs.

“I’m sure it was a lot of fun. I’m sorry I missed it.” The bell rang its warning and Makoto turned to the steps. “You better hurry if you don’t want to be late again.”

As he ascended the stairs to his floor, Makoto couldn’t stop the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that Nagisa’s gaze followed him.

++

Concentrating in class was easier than normal. Having something to focus on that wasn’t his problems or Haru was a relief which Makoto gladly took advantage off. Diligently, he copied notes from the board and followed along with the lesson. Not once did he let his eyes stray to Haru.

When the lunch bell rang, Makoto was actually caught off guard and jumped in his seat. His stomach lurched uncomfortably as he closed his notebook and bent to pick up his lunch. Suddenly, as he glimpsed Haru waiting outside the classroom for him, he wasn’t sure he was that hungry.

Rei already had seats saved by the time they made it to the cafeteria. Sitting across from him, Makoto tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach when Haru sat next to him. He smiled instead.

“Where’s Nagisa? Did he forget his lunch again?”

Rei sighed dramatically as he fixed his glasses.

“Unfortunately not, Makoto-senpai. Nagisa-kun ate his lunch during second period and then bothered me until I gave him mine during the break. He’s now buying both of us lunch.” Crossing his arms, Rei huffed in annoyance as Nagisa came bounding towards them carrying a tray filled with food. “Honestly, I have no idea how he maintains body weight when he consumes a percentage vastly beyond what he should.”

“Rei-chan, don’t ask useless questions.” Nagisa chided as he portioned out his spoils. “There are some things you just have to accept on faith!”

“It’s not faith! It’s simple math! You can’t eat as much as you do and maintain your current weight. It’s mathematically impossible!” Rei cried as Nagisa stuck out his tongue and dug into his ramen.

“Nagisa never listens to anything. Why should his body be any different?” Haru questioned blandly as he opened his own lunchbox.

“Haru-chan, don’t be so mean!” Sauce spilled from his bowl as Nagisa bent forward, complaining.

The bantering made Makoto’s heart light and he chuckled happily as he opened his own lunch. Haru glanced at Makoto as he picked at his rice.

It was just a flicker of blue but it caught Makoto’s attention. Slowly, he nibbled at the food his mother had prepared for him. It was delicious as always, Makoto could tell by the smell, but the food felt like ashes in his mouth. After forcing down a few bites, he felt his stomach roll uncomfortably; he could still feel Haru watching him.

The weight of his gaze made Makoto feel trapped. His throat constricted painfully and it became difficult to breathe. Swallowing heavily, he carefully wrapped his lunch back up and quickly stood up. Haru’s eyes followed him discreetly, or maybe it was just Makoto’s imagination at this point. Either way, he needed to leave.

“Mako-chan?” Nagisa asked around a mouthful of noodles. His eye shone in curiosity as they darted between him and Haru. Makoto felt like he was going to be sick.

“Ah…sorry. I just have some work I have to finish. I didn’t finish my homework last night.” He rubbed his head self-consciously, plastering a smile on his face and he said his goodbyes. “I’ll…see you at practice, yeah?”

As he rushed out of the cafeteria, Makoto wondered how things had gotten so bad.

++

The next day, Haru wasn’t waiting for him.

Makoto walked to school alone, glad for the reprieve, and felt horrible. He shouldn’t feel relieved when Haru wasn’t around; he should be worried and find Haru and make sure he was all right. He shouldn’t feel as if a weight was taken off of his chest and he could finally breathe.

He shouldn’t wish that Haru wouldn’t be at school so he could ignore whatever was going on between them for a little while longer.

He was the worst friend in the world. He was selfish and cowardly and just so, so confused.

As he stepped into the classroom just as the bell was ringing and saw that Haru hadn’t come to class, his heart soared as his stomach dropped. After school, he told himself as he pulled his notebooks out of his bag, after school he’d go visit Haru and make sure he was okay. Maybe.

++

The lunch bell had never been more welcome to Makoto. His stomach had been a mixture of knots and hunger pangs all day. Though he was incredibly hungry, he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to handle any food. But maybe, without the weight of Haru’s presence near him, he’d be able to eat in peace.

But peace would be difficult to come by when Nagisa looked at him as if the world were breaking.

Haru’s absence, while not that unusual, seemed to bother his friends a great deal. Nagisa worried the ends of the chopsticks between his teeth as he glanced at Makoto occasionally. Rei was doing his best to keep a conversation going on his own but seemed to be running out of methods to improve their swimming. Makoto felt the pressure of the situation build and knew it was only a matter of time before something broke.

“Mako-chan.” Makoto jerked in his seat, shifting uncomfortably as he looked towards Nagisa. “I haven’t seen Haru-chan all day. Is he okay? He seemed…different yesterday. After you left.”

It felt like time stopped as Makoto swallowed his food and considered what to say. Maybe he could ask Nagisa and Rei for advice; figure out what he did wrong and fix it. Maybe he could tell the truth and just say he didn’t know. Or maybe he could lie and continue avoiding the truth.

“Ah. I don’t think he’s feeling well today.” He smiled through his lie. “You know how Haru gets when he can’t swim in the winter.”

Immediately, Makoto knew he messed up. He sucked in a breath and hoped neither of his friends were actually listening to him. But the shared look of confusion between Rei and Nagisa heightened his anxiety as he quickly packed his lunch away. His hands shook as he tied the orange cloth around his bento.

“We just had practice the other day at Samezuka, Makoto-senpai.” Rei’s voice raised in a slight question. “You left early that day, remember? Kou said you weren’t feeling well…”

The chair scratched across the floor loudly as Makoto stood, tripping over one of the legs. Nagisa reached across the table for him, his fingers just grazing Makoto’s wrist. The hurt look that cross his face twisted Makoto’s stomach even more and he hoped he wouldn’t throw up before he reached the bathroom.

“Sorry! I forgot about a text next period! Have to study!” Makoto ran out of the lunch room, ignoring Nagisa’s cries of _Mako-chan, wait!_ as he pushed through the crowd.

Trembling, Makoto made his way to the roof and sat outside in the cold until the bell rang.

++

When the final bell rings, Makoto wasn’t sure if he wanted to head home or not. A part of him knows he should stop by Haru’s place to make sure he’s okay but a deeper part of him knows he won’t because he’s scared. And that terrified him even more.

Heading out the front door, he saw Nagisa waiting patiently by the gate. Putting on a bright smile, Makoto walked towards him while trying to ignore the guilt wracking his chest.

“You’re not heading home with Rei today?” Makoto asked as they stepped out of the schoolyard together. With a mischievous chuckle, Nagisa clasped his hands behind his back and stared up at him.

“Nope! Rei-chan had a meeting with a study group. He says great minds think alike together and it’ll help him prepare for exams even if they are months and months away!”

Somehow, Makoto felt put at ease with Nagisa’s presence, something that he normally only felt with Haru. But with everything making him so confused and Haru being… _different_ …Makoto was glad for the company.

“All right, then. What did you want to do? Did you want to go get a snack at the new café? I’ve heard they have a great strawberry cake.” When Nagisa shook his head and returned his smile, Makoto felt his insides curl just a little.

“I just wanted to talk with Mako-chan. You haven’t been around much these days and you’ve made me worry.” Makoto laughed uncomfortably as he played with the straps of his backpack, turning his face from Nagisa.

“I’m serious! Mako-chan. You haven’t been as happy lately. Neither has Haru-chan. Both of you are extra gloomy and depressing and then you don’t feel well and Haru-chan doesn’t come to school.”

Makoto shifted his backpack nervously. He knew Nagisa was genuinely worried and upset; that he was worried and wanted to help. But all he wanted to say was _Forget about it – It’s nothing to worry about – It’s not your fault._  He felt ashamed because he didn’t want to tell Nagisa anything and just pretend everything was all right. And when he turned to Nagisa, he had every intention of telling him that. Reassuring him that everything would be fine and they just had to give Haru time; that it had nothing to do with him.

Instead, the completely wrong words came rushing out and Nagisa’s sincere gaze and Makoto found himself confessing everything from the past four years.

“It’s my fault. I’m a horrible friend.” He felt Nagisa perk up at his side but kept his gaze focused on his feet. “I wanted Haru to be happy but I…I messed up. Bad. And I don’t know what to do.”

“Mako-chan…” Nagisa murmured, stopping with Makoto to gaze out at the ocean. This was the path he and Haru walked together every day no matter what. It felt wrong without Haru by his side but he wasn’t sure if Haru belonged there anymore. It hurt to think about it.

“You know, all I ever wanted was to see Haru be happy. I guess I kind of made it my responsibility to make him happy and make sure he was okay. Get him out of the water and help him talk to people. For a while, right after Rin left, I was sure I was in love with him. Haru, that is. Not Rin. That would be kind of weird, wouldn’t it?”

Makoto chuckled as he leaned against the railing. Talking felt good; it felt as though a weight were slowly lifting off his chest. He wasn’t sure if Nagisa was listening or if he had any clue what Makoto was talking about but he didn’t really care. Having someone listen felt good.

“I thought Haru liked me, too. Or maybe that’s just what I wanted; to have the person I cared for the most feel the same about me. I don’t think Haru hates me but sometimes, with him, you have to wonder if he really likes you or he’s just tolerating you because it’s easier that way. It sounds horrible when I say it out loud but I used to think things like that. Mainly when we were kids. But yeah, for a while I thought Haru felt differently about me. I was a fool.”

“You’re not a fool!” Nagisa spoke earnestly, leaning forward to look Makoto in the eye. “Mako-chan is really good at knowing everyone’s feelings, especially Haru-chan!”

Blinking his eyes into focus, Makoto stared at his friend in shock. He had almost forgotten Nagisa was there and felt embarrassed at having said so much. Smiling, Makoto scratched his cheek and looked away.

“Yeah…I guess, sometimes I get lucky, you know? But being able to understand Haru doesn’t mean I know everything about him. And I didn’t. I still don’t. I mean, I thought Haru liked me and I was wrong and I almost ruined our friendship.” He sighed and turned his back on the ocean, leaning against the railing as he let his head drop back to stare at the sky. “So I figured we were just friends and it’d be easier to just forget what I thought I felt. But now…I did it again and I’m not sure how to fix it this time.”

Neither of them spoke after Makoto finished. The waves crashed loudly in the silence and Makoto craned his neck to watch. He felt guilty about using Nagisa like that; dumping all of his worries and concerns on him with no warning. He really was a horrible friend. Forcing a light smile on his face, Makoto turned towards the other boy.

“I’m sorry, Nagisa. I shouldn’t have said so much.” When Nagisa just blinked back at him, his head tilting thoughtfully, Makoto quickly racked his brain for a distraction. “Ah! Do you want to get a snack? My treat.”

Jumping off the rail, Nagisa grabbed Makoto’s hands and started pulling him down the street.

“Mako-chan! That’s a great idea! I heard of a café that just opened up that sells the best hot chocolates. We need to try some!”

Shaking off his distress, Makoto allowed himself to be dragged to the new café and even paid for Nagisa’s snack. They ate in silence, watching the waves roll in and out inside the warm, cozy shop. Bite by bite, Makoto felt his mind relax and release its grip on the images that had plagued him for the past few days. Nagisa rambled on about class and something silly Rei had done the other day they studied together. It was soothing listening to him speak and by the time they had finished their treats, Makoto felt a real smile tugging on his lips. When they reached the station steps, he was openly laughing at Nagisa’s stories.

“And here we are. Ahhh…that was too quick. I still haven’t told you about how Rei fell asleep in class!” Nagisa pouted as he dug for his rail pass.

“That’s okay. You can save it for the next time, right?”

“Next time, huh?” Nagisa paused before the turnstile, his back facing Makoto making it impossible to read his expression. But he turned to give Makoto a soft, sincere smile. “Mako-chan, I wouldn’t worry so much. I’m sure everything will be okay.”

Watching his friend disappear into the departing crowd, Makoto felt the weight of his worries return. Despite Nagisa’s positive view, Makoto wasn’t sure how it could get better. With a dejected sigh, he continued on his way home.

++

“Oh! Haru-chan is better than ever today!”

Makoto continued drying his hair, avoiding looking towards the pool despite Nagisa’s prompting. He was sure Haru was swimming great; there was hardly a day when he didn’t. But he couldn’t bring himself to watch his friend closely enough to critique him. It felt wrong.

Instead, he focused on gathering his things and making sure his teammates were ready to leave.

“Nagisa, Rei, don’t forget to help the first years with their clean ups. It’s only fair since we’re here by invitation.” He waited until he heard their agreement before heading to the locker room. Normally, he would wait to pull Haru out of the pool; make sure that he didn’t spend too much time in the water and forget to go home. But Haru never waited for his hand anymore; he didn’t let Makoto offer to pull him up. So he simply left, unwilling to test their friendship.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the teams to stumble into the locker room and soon Makoto found himself fighting to get through a crowd of rowdy high school boys. In a strange way, it was comforting to be surrounded by so many people involved in their own games and conversations and to just let it wash over and drown out his own thought. It put him at ease to be temporarily lost in a sea of relative strangers.

That relief was brief when he heard Nagisa nagging Haru and caught a glimpse of the blond rubbing his head against the other boy.

“Don’t be so cruel, Haru-chan! You need to take your role as vice-captain seriously and spend time developing your underclassmen!” Makoto chuckled at Haru’s put out expression. It was sometimes fun watching him get flustered by Nagisa’s enthusiasm. “And I haven’t seen you in _forever_! I really want to hang out with Haru-chan today.”

For some reason, Makoto’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. It was good for Haru to get out, spend time with other people and not stay locked up in his house. But something in the back of Makoto’s mind was setting off warnings; that it was not a good idea to let Nagisa take off with Haru alone. He took a deep breath as he approached his team, his heart racing and his hands trembling.

“Nagisa, you shouldn’t be so forceful with everyone.” He spoke softly but firmly, hoping Nagisa would back off without much objection. Or Haru would just say no.

“It’s okay.” Makoto kept his smile in place when his stomach dropped. Haru barely glanced at him. “I don’t mind.”

“Ah…okay.” Shuffling around his friends awkwardly, Makoto grabbed his bag and fiddled with the straps, trying to think of something he could say to change Haru’s mind. “You know, my parents will-“

“Haru-chan and I will be fine! I’ll make sure he gets his daily serving of mackerel and water so he doesn’t get grumpy.” Nagisa winked at Mako-chan as he pushed the taller boy out the door. “Don’t mind us! We’ll be fine on our own.”

Defeated, Makoto allowed himself to be forced out of the locker room. Alone in the hall, he leaned against the walled and softly banged his head against the tile. Why did it suddenly feel like he was losing control? Why did he have the feeling that something was looming beyond his vision, just waiting for him to make one wrong turn before crashing upon him full force?

Suddenly feeling claustrophobic and anxious, Makoto pushed off the wall and quickly headed outside. His breathing was getting short and his heart wouldn’t slow down. He was trying to stay ahead of something he couldn’t see and it scared him. It was an eternity until he broke free of the building and out in the bitter cold air. Sucking in deep, sharp breaths, Makoto forced his body to calm down.

“Makoto.”

Makoto jumped in surprise, spinning around comically as he searched for the voice that called to him. Seconds later, Rin appeared from around the corner with two cans of coffee. Tossing one to Makoto, he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and jerked his head to the side.

“You got a second?”

Knowing he didn’t have a choice, Makoto nodded sullenly and followed meekly behind his friend. It was too exhausting running and avoiding everything that happened lately and if he were to be honest with himself, Makoto was tired of hiding. As Rin guided him through the halls of Samezuka, Makoto let his mind wander. It was rare that he got a chance to spend time alone with Rin and even though the feeling of impending doom hadn’t vanished, he couldn’t help but be happy for the time together.

Rin’s room was quiet and a little messy. Books were strewn across the desk and blankets were dangling from the top bunk. Makoto pulled out a chair and made himself comfortable while Rin threw his gym bag on his bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress with a loud grunt. For a solid minute, Rin studied Makoto closely making him extremely nervous. Makoto tried to avoid his gaze, fidgeting with the rapidly cooling, unopened can of coffee. He plucked at the tab unconsciously, pretending to examine the label while Rin continued to stare at him. He felt like he was going to explode when Rin finally spoke.

“What the hell is going on, Makoto?”

“Huh?” His head lifted in surprise as a tingling sensation crawled down his neck.

“Don’t play dumb. You know what I mean.” There was a soft _pop_ as Rin opened his coffee and took a sip. Makoto grabbed his can reflexively but didn’t open it.

“I…I really don’t.” Makoto felt trapped under the intensity of Rin’s stare. It made him uncomfortable; as if Rin could see straight through him in a way only Haru could do. He shivered.

“Haru.” Makoto’s breathing stopped as his heart fluttered in his chest. His arms suddenly felt weak and it took all his energy and concentration to hold on to his coffee.

“Wh-what…” His mouth felt like cotton and it took three attempts at swallowing before he could make himself speak. “What are you talking about? Haru’s fine.”

There was a moment of silence before Rin snorted. Makoto cringed at the sound, trying to make himself smaller in the chair and disappear. Another minute passed before Rin sighed and stood, placing his can next to Makoto on the desk. Curious, Makoto peeked up at his friend, surprised to find Rin not looking at him at all but staring at the wall, one hand scratching the back of his neck in a nervous habit.

“Look,” he sighed, “I already know what happened between you two. Kinda. Haru called that night.”

Everything inside Makoto wanted to scream that he was wrong. That Rin didn’t know anything no matter what Haru said. That Haru was confused and couldn’t be taken seriously because there was no way he felt that way about Makoto so he should just forget it and leave everything alone and let Makoto leave and deal with everything himself because he was just…wrong.

Instead, he just sat there, scared and tired, and listened.

“So what’s going on? Huh? I mean, I get Haru calling me in the middle of the night saying he needs a place to stay, even though he’s got his own place. Right? So I leave to let him into my grandmother’s place and he’s just so…defeated. I mean, I’ve seen him depressed before but not like that, okay?”

Makoto slowly spun the coffee in his hands, running his fingers along the rim as he listened.

“And when I asked him why the hell he woke me up in the middle of the night for a place to stay when he had his own house, he just said your name. I was going to walk away after that because it didn’t make any sense but the way he looked kinda scared me. So I stayed. And he talked. He told me everything, Makoto. I’m pretty sure he told me stuff he’s never told you.”

Something inside Makoto pulled and broke. He wouldn’t have been able to explain it if asked but the fact that Haru still kept secrets from him, even though Makoto respected his need for privacy, hurt. Maybe it was the idea that Haru kept secrets and were about him that hurt the most. He remained silent as Rin continued.

“I thought you guys had it all figured out back when we first met. You two had this weird vibe that no one else could understand. Hell, I figured you were…well…you know, together. The way Haru latched on to you and always got so mad when I talked to you. But I guess that was just Haru being Haru; took me awhile to figure him out. Doesn’t mean I was wrong, though.” Rin paused and took a sip of his coffee as he leaned against his bed post and studied Makoto.

“So yeah. There we are, in the middle of the night at my grandmother’s house, and Haru is telling me he can’t go back home because of you. Not only that, he’s saying _he’s_ screwed up and he doesn’t think he can face you again. I didn’t know what to do so I told him he could stay for as long as he needed and left.” Sighing, Rin sat back down on his mattress and looked Makoto in the eyes. “So you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Carefully, Makoto placed the still unopened can of coffee on the desk behind him and took a deep breath before looking at Rin. It felt as though a great weight had been lifted off of his chest and he could breathe again. Perhaps it was the relief of having someone know everything.

“Haru…you said he told you everything?”

“He told me everything he knows.” Rin replied, strangely neutral. “I wanna hear it from you.”

“I don’t know what he said so how can I-“

“Just tell me what happened that night.” Rin interrupted. “What the fuck happened to make Haru like that?”

With a loud sigh, Makoto leaned back in the chair and ran a hand through his hair, picking at the words in his brain.

“He told me he liked me.” He started, staring at the ceiling. “He said he liked me and it could only be me. I don’t even know what that means. Haru can get along without me so it doesn’t make any sense for him to say that. “

Silence hung thick in the room as Makoto paused, turning to look out the window.

“Everything was going great after…I guess after you came back. Haru seemed to be more alive. He wanted to do things again. He wanted to create a swimming club and go swimming and do things with me and Nagisa. It was nice. Then…it was after our relay, I think…everything seemed to get weird. Maybe not weird but something felt different.”

Makoto toed the carpet thoughtfully. How could he explain it to Rin? How could he even explain it to himself? It had just been a feeling of something shifting back then and even now, he didn’t thoroughly understand it.

“Haru seemed so much happier. He was smiling more and just…Haru again. I was relieved that he was back. He wasn’t spending all his time in his bathtub or skipping class. He would be waiting for me on the stairs like when we were kids. It wasn’t a change most people would notice but it was like I was getting the old Haru back. It was nice but…” He wished he could find the right words but they escaped him. What had happened to change everything?

“So Haru changed and you all were happy, right? What was so wrong then?” Makoto blinked slowly, thinking over Rin’s questions. What was wrong?

“It wasn’t me.” He whispered.

“Huh?” Rin leaned forward, arms braced on his knees and poked Makoto’s knee. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It wasn’t me.” Makoto reinforced, suddenly jumping from the chair and pacing the room. “I’ve been by Haru’s side since before I can remember. I watched him change. I saw him drifting away and closing off from everything and I…I couldn’t do anything.”

Makoto stared at his fists, his jaw clenching and unclenching with the memory of his helplessness. It still ached to think about.

“I tried. I wanted to help. But nothing I did changed him. For four years I stayed by his side and hoped he would tell me what was wrong or that something I did would make him feel better. It was only when you came back that something happened. That Haru started living again.” Unexpected tears stung his eye. Frustrated, he scrubbed at his face with his arm, mocking himself in his mind. “So how am I supposed to believe that Haru suddenly likes me when I’ve been next to him all this time and I never mattered?”

There was muffled laughter and footsteps from the hallway as time seemed to freeze in the dorm room. Makoto kept his gaze turned from Rin, arms crossed defensively over his chest. He didn’t say it in so many words but he knew Rin understood; he was in love with Haru. It left him vulnerable once he admitted it; that he loved Haru and wanted to believe that Haru felt the same way. But it also felt like a release.

Rin groaned as he stretched out across his bed, rubbing his face with his hands. “Man, I really fucked you guys up, huh?”

Sucking in a breath, Makoto let his arms drop. “What do you mean?”

“Think about it, Makoto.” Propping up on his elbows, Rin frowned at his friend. “You said Haru was in a funk for four years. Did he ever tell you why?”

Dumbly, Makoto nodded.

“Che. Then why couldn’t you figure this out? Anyway, that came up, too. That night. So you know you had nothing to do with that.   He told me he was afraid of hurting and losing more people he cared about so he pulled away like an idiot. There was probably nothing anyone could do to make him stop. So stop beating yourself up over it.” Rin glared at Makoto once more before picking up his coffee can and shaking it to verify it was empty.

With a frustrated sigh, Makoto combed his fingers through his hair. He understood what Rin was telling him, he truly did. He understood, now, why Haru had acted the way he did. He knew that nothing would have helped Haru until he cleared everything up with Rin; until he realized that he hadn’t done anything to hurt anyone. That it hadn’t been his fault.

“That doesn’t mean he likes me.” When Rin cocked an eyebrow in his direction, Makoto elaborated. “Just because it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t help doesn’t mean Haru likes me. You weren’t there. You didn’t see him. Us. It’s just better this way.”

He spoke quietly, afraid of his own words. When he glanced towards Rin again, he was greeted with an exasperated look.

“What the fuck are you talking about? ‘It’s just better this way’?” Rin’s voice dropped slightly sending shivers down Makoto’s spine. “Have you fucking seen Haru lately? He’s so scared that he did something to make you mad – to make you leave him – that he’s making himself sick. Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys. That’s something you need to work out with Haru. But I do know that Haru isn’t one to tell you something on a whim. _You_ know that about Haru. He’s not going to do something unless he’s absolutely sure about it. So why the hell do you think him telling you how he feels is something you can pass off so lightly?”

It was nearly a full minute before Makoto remembered to breath. His knees felt weak and his hands shook as he ran his fingers through his hair again. Rin was right. Haru never did anything without thinking it through – Makoto quickly amended that thought to add Haru never did anything not involving water without thinking it through – and admitting his feelings was definitely a huge step for him. Had he been wrong? But more importantly, had he hurt Haru?

Suddenly scared and worried, Makoto reached for his bag and headed for the door.

“Makoto?” Rin called out but didn’t attempt to stop him.

“You’re right, Rin. About Haru. I need to find him and we need to talk.” He paused, hand on the doorknob, and turned to Rin with a sincere smile. “Thank you.”

Snorting, Rin hopped back on his bed and picked up book from the floor.

“Whatever. Just make sure the idiot doesn’t do something stupid, okay?” Makoto was halfway out the door when Rin called out. “Hey! Let me know what happens. I still worry about you, you know.”

Chuckling softly, Makoto agreed and hurried on his way. It was at least a forty-five minute trip home and it was already getting late. Makoto just hoped that he would be able to find Haru and have a chance to speak with him.

++

The train ride was agonizingly long. Makoto bounced impatiently on his feet, checking his phone every few seconds just in case Haru might text him. It was completely improbable; they had hardly been speaking the past two weeks and besides, Haru hardly ever carried his phone. But a small part of Makoto wished Haru would say something. That he would receive a text that would give him the opening he now so desperately wanted so he could talk to his best friend.

Best friend. He mulled the words over in his head. Until recently, they had always felt adequate to explain what existed between him and Haru. They were best childhood friends; they knew everything about each other and had pledged to always be there for each other. But over the past few years, he had felt that best friends maybe wasn’t big enough to describe what they were to each other. Or maybe he had just been wishing it had changed.

The train slid to a stop at Iwatobi station and Makoto stepped out on to the platform. He was still far from sure about what he was doing but Rin was right. Haru didn’t do anything he didn’t feel like doing. Even if Makoto had managed to pull Haru out of the house or get him to agree to do things he claimed were too much effort didn’t mean that Haru wasn’t capable of saying no when he really meant it. Haru could be extremely stubborn when he set his mind to something. But when it came to this – to starting a relationship with his best friend – did Haru really know what he wanted?

Did Makoto?

Lost in thought, Makoto traveled the streets to his house. If he were asked, Makoto would have to agree that he was in love with Haru. No matter how much he had tried to deny it, how much he had tried to push the feelings away, they were still there. But was he willing to risk everything? Being rejected once – even if had been a misunderstanding – had been painful. Was losing what he had with Haru worth trying for something more?

But if things kept going the way they were between him and Haru, wouldn’t he lose him anyway?

Fear drenched Makoto in a cold wave. He didn’t want to lose Haru this way. He didn’t want to lose Haru at all but if he lost Haru this way, with this uncomfortable silence between them, he knew they’d never recover; never be able to understand each other again. It was the worst future Makoto could imagine.

Running up the stairs to the shrine, Makoto gasped for breath. He needed to see Haru _now_. He needed to fill the silence between them with useless chatter that neither of them cared about but both of them understood. He needed to remind Haru that he couldn’t eat mackerel for every meal. He needed to watch Haru’s eyes light up when he suggested going to the beach or the pool or the aquarium. He needed to feel Haru’s hand in his again and know Haru trusted him to be there to always pull him back.

“Haru!” Makoto cried as he ran to the backdoor of Haru’s house. The door opened easily and Makoto kicked his shoes off as he ran inside. “Haruka!”

He checked the kitchen and living room first.

No Haru.

Turning on his heel, Makoto hurried up the stairs, his breath coming in sharp pants. He spared a glance in Haru’s bedroom as he headed for the bathroom, sure he would find Haru soaking in a hot bath.

“Haru!” He flung the door open, staring in disbelief at the empty room. No Haru. His thoughts swirled in his head, crashing into one another as he tried to think rationally. If Haru wasn’t in his house and practice was over, where would be he? Could he still be out with Nagisa? But it was getting late and Nagisa had a fairly long trip home.

The beach? Rin’s grandmother’s house? _Where?!_

Numbly, Makoto exited Haru’s house and sat on the steps. He felt exhausted; as if he had been wrung out and stretched thin. The winter air was bitter cold against his skin. His fingers were numbed as they clutched his phone, the screen lighting and darkening and he flicked it open and shut. He didn’t know how long he was outside when he heard a voice from far off.

“-koto.”

Cocking his head to the side, Makoto strained his ears, thinking he’d heard someone call him.

“Makoto!”

Hesitantly, Makoto stood and walked down the steps leading to main shrine steps. Bracing himself against the wind, he glanced down the stairs. His breath caught in his throat when he stared straight into bright blue eyes as Haru skidded to a stop outside the Tachibana house. His heart was racing as Haru bent over, panting to catch his breath. Finally finding his voice, Makoto called out to his friend.

“Haru.”

Slowly, Haru straightened and took a long, deep breath, coughing softly before he spoke. “Makoto, I need to talk to you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was not only unbelievably frustrating, but it turned out to be longer than I had anticipated. I'm really not happy with the ending of the chapter and really, really hate leaving cliff-hangers like that but I couldn't find a good place to stop it and I needed to finish this chapter before my life gets more chaotic. I sincerely apologize for the last 5 or so pages of story.
> 
> I have to shelve this story for a couple of month. I'm going to be moving and rearranging quite a bit of my life. I'll probably try to dabble on the next chapter and get out some notes or something but don't expect anything until July or August. I'm really sorry but life takes precedence. I'll definitely get out some one shots just because I have ideas I've been putting off for too long and they're a lot easier to write than a story like this.
> 
> As always, I greatly appreciate any critiques or comments you have. Please feel free to leave them here or on my tumblr. If you prefer, I also have email you can send to. And I mean it about the critiques. This sure isn't professional grade but I want to write the best fanfics I can so you guys can enjoy them.
> 
> Ahhh...but I realize there'll be grammar mistakes in this chapter because I didn't get it proofread. Sorry!

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to [JadedGalvenizer](http://jadedgalvanizer.tumblr.com/) who wanted a story where Haru was the one who was hurt and not Makoto.
> 
> This is an ongoing story and it's turning out longer than I thought ^_^;; Probably going to have another two parts but honestly, I have no idea. I guess we'll see where the story takes me.
> 
> Also, thanks to [tetsurokurou](tetsurokurou.tumblr.com) for generally being awesome and betaing my work.
> 
> Please leave comments and criticism. I really appreciate knowing what works and what needs fixing. Or if you just want to say hi.


End file.
